Religion: Where does it fit?

I've been extremely hesitant about discussing religion here on my blog for fear of reaction from readers, friends, my children, but most particularly... family.  But I figured there were worse things that I could talk about - besides this is a blog where I share MY thoughts, MY own family's life situations and I always feel better in the end once I get "whatever it is" off my shoulders.  So here it goes:

Religion is a hard topic for me to discuss openly and honestly, mostly because I don't have a clear cut idea of exactly how I want to practice religion or what I want to believe. I know that most of my family is currently cringing and shaking their heads in mortification, but this is my place to be honest.

In my early years, religion was a huge part of our lives, but I don't remember going to church once I got into late middle & early high school. Maybe I did, but I have zero memories of it. Religion has always been a piece of my life that I never clearly felt connected to. I think that the literal and scientific part of my mind always wanted more concrete answers than I was given.  Growing up, without having the maturity to articulate my confusion about religion, I disconnected myself. These days, I have found some of my own answers and some questions continue to linger. Additionally, as a history teacher, teaching about the major religions as part of the curriculum & their impact around the world has exposed me to several other "religious ideas" - which makes it all more unclear.  While I have become a spiritual adult, I don't know that I am necessarily a religious person. Herein is where I become reluctant to express myself for fear of being condemned, sounding ridiculous or naive, and/ or being ignorant.

This isn't a bashing session about religion, but there are things I just don't understand. Years ago I tried going to bible study classes and even got persuaded to join a youth group years earlier in college.  I  attempted to navigate the maze that I feel is religion & just try to figure it out. It didn't work. The more I read, the more confused I got. So, questions remain.

For starters, I never feel like I get anything out of going to church. Maybe I'm doing it wrong. Maybe I'm at the wrong church, the wrong denomination. I just never come out feeling more enlightened, more engaged with religion, or more informed about how to move forward as a Godly woman. I just don't. I don't know what I'm missing.

I don't understand how something that has so much weight as eternal damnation can be so grey. Shouldn't it be more black and white? Why is it that each denomination reads the bible differently? Why do some denominations condemn other denominations? Why is one wrong and one right? Why all this room for interpretation? Don't wear mixed fibers if you're Jewish, wear them if you're not. Cover your head if you're Muslim, don't cover it if you're not.

Which brings me to the next point. There are thousands upon thousands of "rules" in the Bible. Why do some people follow some "rules" and not others? Why be selective? If people are supposed to be stoning those who commit adultery, why aren't they doing that? Too barbaric? But, isn't it a "law" or "rule"? Is it because you'd get arrested? Isn't God's law above man's law? Or is this one of those Old versus New Testament issues?

And prayer. I want to believe in the power of prayer. But, if everything is God's will, why does it matter if we pray? Hasn't He already decided what's going to happen? If we beg and plead, does that change anything?

I'm seriously confused.

Being confused and not certain about religion has certainly impacted our family.  Which is certainly a factor in why Brian & I chose NOT to get married in a church - we felt no connection to a certain church or denomination.  We have NOT had any of our 3 beautiful children baptized - we still feel no connection to any certain church or denomination and I'm not in favor of baptizing just to do it or because someone says its the right thing to do.

I just don't know where religion fits into our lives or in the lives of our children. I don't like the feeling that I'm being recruited whenever I try to explore my options. I also don't like or understand the feelings that come from going to a new church and being judged for not being a current church goer. It is the hypocrisy that I just don't understand. Don't give me the tsk tsk for not going to church when I'm clearly trying to find a place to go to church. This isn't one isolated event. And I don't like being told to "just believe." No, just explain it first. I cannot believe what I don't understand.

There you have it. I don't get it. I don't understand it. But let me make this clear. I always don't want to be convinced of the answers. Information, yes. Convincing, no. I want to do what is right for our family on a spiritual level, but how can I instill religion in my children when I can't find where it fits into my own life?