In the Moment!

I've admitted this before... life is busy.  I've also admitted that "Life is Loud" in my house - what household isn't with 3 little kids?  In order for me to do everything that needs to get done (cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, M.Ed course work, errands, etc) on a daily basis, I multi-task.  I'm sure most parents do do this.  I personally don't know how things would get done if I didn't.  I fold laundry while the kids are playing in the playroom; I sneak a peek at my email while the kids are getting dressed; I unload the dishwasher while the kids are eating breakfast.  Any time that I can do more than one thing at a time - I'm being efficient & productive.  But it bothers me.  It bothers me because I know I'm not being present & in the moment with my kiddos all of the time.

When I think of being present with Thomas, Abbigail, and Marilyn, I think of the times when I am truly and genuinely focused on them, in the moment. They have my full attention. I am not thinking about my phone, or my M.Ed course work, or dinner or whatever else is on my "to do" list. I’m not thinking about whether we are late to an activity or whether their lives are being developmentally enriched or whether I am saying the right thing or doing what my other mom friends would do. In fact, in these moments, I am not thinking of parenting at all. In these moments, when I am truly present, I am simply there, with them, doing whatever the moment calls for while everything else falls away.

The other day I took the kids to a new park on the other side of town. As I watched Thomas & Abbigail climb & slide on the playground & Marilyn walk from one area to the next, my mind wandered to my to-do list and what I was going to make for dinner and the laundry that was piling up. I looked at the time and nodded and smiled as the kids continually called out “Mama watch!” “Look mama!” “Want to see this?” That was when I realized, they didn’t really need me to see them go down the slide, their constant calling was kid language for “Be Present, Be Here With Me, Now Mommy!.” I turned off my busy mind and started to play with them. I mean really play. I became a yellow moon monster, hopping through the lava. I chased and got chased and giggled and actually participated in their game. I played. It wasn’t until I saw another parent laugh at me that I realized I had been completely engrossed in the silliness of the game and the interactions with my kids - the loves of my life. It felt amazing. And notably different from how our outing to the park started.

Another opportunity occurred last week during the hectic madness that comes around 5:00 every night. While I struggled to get dinner on the table Marilyn came into the kitchen and started leaning on my legs, starting to whine as she pushed my legs back away from the counter where I was prepping a side dish.  I found myself feeling frustrated and annoyed, wishing she would give me 15 minutes to finish dinner. My reactions to her got less and less empathic while her attempts to get my attention got louder more frequent... as in a high pitched scream.  I knew she was getting hungry, I knew she wanted my attention.  This was kid language for “Be Present, Be Here With Me, Now Mommy!” So I did. I put down my knife. Turned off the burner on the stove and plopped down on the kitchen floor. “Do you need me? What can I do for you?” I asked. She jumped into my lap, and nestled her head into my neck, her arms wrapped around me. She held on for dear life. I have no idea what was going on inside her heart, but she felt tired & run down and I found myself holding her tighter. I held her quietly for two or three minutes until she pulled her head away and looked me in the eye and gave me her beautiful smile followed by a giggle.  I kissed her forehead & squeezed her again making sure she knew how much she was loved.  After another minute she heard Thomas & Abbigail playing in the other room, hopped up and ran into the living room to play. I got to finish making dinner as I listened to all 3 of my munchkins laughing & giggling together.

When I consider these two moments I realize that there is a big difference between providing opportunities for my children and being truly and genuinely present in the moment. Providing opportunities is important. But the truth is, that forced to choose between an “opportunity” with a distracted parent or a few moments of your undivided attention, our kids are going to choose us. And when I think back over the week, it is these moments that stand out for me too. These are the moments when I really feel the rewards of parenting; these unplanned, unscheduled, unstructured moments when I am truly connected to my children.
Lovely right?

But then there is reality. Dinner has to get made, bills have to get paid, laundry must get done. The kids are fighting, work or homework is overwhelming, schedules are full and sometimes we just feel like there isn’t any more of us to go around. How can we be present with our children when it doesn’t feel like there is even room to take a breath? It would be so great if someone could just tell us the secret to easy, sure-thing parenting.

I realize that there isn’t a quick fix, magic word, or parenting technique that works in all situations with all kids. What I can say, is that finding a way to be present for even a few moments a day, is the closest thing to a magic wand that I have found. Being present lets Thomas, Abbigail and Marilyn all know that they are loved, safe & secure.  Undivided attention goes a long way & works wonders especially when it comes to bolstering their confidence & ability to trust themselves because they feel loved & taken care of.  Being present is most definitely about quality, not quantity.  It's what you do, how you feel, what you learn & how connected you are with your kids in those moments that truly matters.