Bitter

I received the sweetest and thoughtful Valentines' Day card from my hubby today in the mail. It was well after the kids had fallen asleep that I had a chance to sit down and sort through the mail. When I opened it and started to read, the tears already were flowing. Of course the tears were because of the love that he sent to me, the certain words he chose to use and the final thoughts that "he will see me soon." I sat and re-read the card two more times just so I could focus on the fact that this was indeed from my Brian. If you have never spent a significant amount of time away from the person you love and care for in the deepest way - then what I just said may not make sense. Having been apart so much in our marriage so far, I have come to accept that this is just part of the military life, but that doesn't mean that I like it or that it gets any easier. Quite the contrary - when you add kids, it is even harder emotionally.

This is the point in a deployment though when I start to get a little bitter. We are 5 months in. 5 months. Most people have a hard time when they have to be away from their spouse for a few nights or even 2-3 weeks. 5 months = almost 23 weeks = 160 days. I have a hard time swallowing the fact that it really is a LONG time. Not bitter towards Brian, but bitter and upset that these deployments are starting to come more frequently on top of the fact that his squadron deploys for a longer period of time than most Air Force units (7 months). I also am bitter because not everyone in a military family has to deal with these long periods of time away from their loved one. Not that I wish this on others, but I dont' see how people in the military can claim to not be able to deploy for whatever reason - your job in the military is to go where they need you to go - that means anywhere - Iraq, Afghanistan, Haiti or even Timbuktu. One of the mottos is you are "Fit to Fight". I guess if you ain't fit to fight... then get out. Actually, they are kicking you out. I'm not sure though it is really consistant across the board. I definately know it is not done in a fair way. For example, I have a good friend in the same squadron as Brian. She was unable to go on this deployment because the doctor said her pains in her neck vertabrea are pinching and then further down in her back she has little to no cartiledge causing a lot of pain and they can't "fix" her. If they can't "fix" you - they kick you out. Because she couldn't deploy - they immediately sent her prognosis up the chain and within 6 months will medically retire her. She is forced out. If she wasn't eligible to retire, she would be honorably discharged. Isn't that something? But you know what - even she admits, "I'm not fit to fight the mission they need me to do." And yet there are so many that I know that the leadership above them must either be looking the other way or there is some shady shit going on with how their status is viewed. Sorry... like I said... just bitter and I'm finally venting about it.

Anyway - back to why - things are just appearing to get worse and worse in the current position we are in. Not sure what will happen when Brian returns - we may look to make a change (location, squadron, job) or we may tough it out one more deployment and then look to retire and move on. All I know is time spent together with the ones you love is worth much more than money made. I wouldn't just say that if this was the first time Brian and me were apart... this is now becoming the norm in our life and we both feel like there needs to be a change. A positive change made. I guess we will see in the coming months what our options really are. We both want our family to be a whole piece again...